"Wait, That's Not Normal?"

CPTSD Traits You Might Not Recognize In Yourself

• Can't ask for help - even in a crisis
• Feeling guilty for having needs
• Apologizing for existing
• Can't speak up because everyone else is "more important", "better", "has a real problem"
• Assuming everyone is secretly annoyed by you
• Rereading texts 10 times to check if you sounded "wrong"
• Core belief that you're fundamentally damaged and don't deserve anything good
• Feeling like an imposter in your own life
• Can't accept compliments (deflect, dismiss, or feel uncomfortable)
• Overexplaining everything to avoid being misunderstood
• Apologizing to inanimate objects when you bump into them
• Hard or impossible to say "no" without guilt or panic - while making it supereasy for others say "no" to you
• Feeling like a burden when you're sick or struggling

Emotions & Reactions:

• Black or white, no shades
• Going from 0 to 100 emotionally - no middle gear
• Or feeling completely numb, unable to access any emotion
• Crying over small things but shutting down during actual crises
• Vicious inner critic that says things you'd never say to another person
• Feeling like you're always waiting for something bad to happen
• Good things happening makes you alarmed, not happy
• Freezing completely when someone raises their voice or criticizes you
• Sudden overwhelming shame for "no reason"
• Can't calm yourself down when upset
• Physical pain that doctors can't explain

Relationships:

• Terror of abandonment + fear of intimacy at the same time
• Pushing people away when they get "too close"
• Testing relationships to see if people will leave, which makes them leave
• Overgiving until you're empty, then resenting everyone for not loving you
• Attracted to chaos/dysfunction because healthy feels "boring" or "wrong"
• Losing yourself completely in relationships (becoming what they need)
• Difficulty trusting anyone, even people who've proven trustworthy
• Ghosting people when you're struggling instead of reaching out
• Trying to "earn" love or care
• Assuming people are mad at you based on their tone/face/text
• Can't handle someone being disappointed in you (feels catastrophic)
• Interpret any sub-stellar feedback as "You are a terrible person"

Your Body & Physical State:

• Living entirely in your head, disconnected from your body
• Can't tell if you're hungry, tired, or anxious, because you don't feel yourself
• "What do you want?" is impossible to answer
• Ignoring pain/illness until you collapse
• Constant tension in shoulders, jaw, or stomach
• Exhaustion that sleep doesn't fix
• Startle easily at sudden noises or movements
• Can't relax even in safe places; sit only with back to the wall, eyes to the door
• Difficulty sleeping (can't turn off threat detection)
• Spacing out or "losing time" when stressed

Work & Productivity:

• Workaholism
• Perfectionism or total avoidance - no middle ground
• If you can't do it perfectly, you don't start at all
• Working while sick/injured because rest feels "lazy"
• Can't relax without feeling guilty
• Overperforming to prove that you deserve to live
• Or: completely unable to function, can't start tasks
• Procrastinating on important things, then hating yourself for it

How You Think:

• Instant gratification over strategy
• Can't imagine yourself in 5 years (future is an alien concept)
• Living day-to-day, crisis-to-crisis
• Black-and-white thinking (all good or all bad, no gray area)
• One mistake = complete failure as a person
• Difficulty making decisions (paralyzed by options)
• Second-guessing yourself constantly
• Can't trust your own thinking or judgment
• Brain fog, forgetfulness, losing things

Pain & Self-Assessment:

• "Other people have it worse" (always minimizing your suffering)
• Believe that you don't have it "bad enough" to count
• Shocked when someone validates your pain
• Feeling anything at all is… unusual

Coping & Survival:

• Using substances, food, work, or other things to numb out
• Instant gratification as primary motivator (future is an alien concept)
• Self-sabotaging when things are going well
• Creating chaos when life gets too stable/safe
• All-or-nothing effort (100% or 0%, nothing in between)
• Isolating when you need help the most
• "I have to do everything myself" (can't accept help)

Triggers & Reactions:

• Someone's tone of voice, posture, or look triggering intense fear/anger
• Certain phrases making you shut down completely
• Regression under stress (feeling/acting like a child)
• Getting sick or depressed at the same time every year
• Difficulty with transitions (endings feel like abandonment)
• Small changes feeling catastrophic
• A random guy in the street who looks like your first boss can throw you off the rails for a few days

The Invisible Ones:

• Feeling "different" or alien, like you don't belong in any group
• Observing life from the outside
• "Knowing" that invitations for everyone are actually for everyone but you
• No clear sense of who you are
• Can feel everyone else's pain but deflect care directed at you
• Craving routine but sabotaging it when you have it
• Knowing intellectually it's not your fault, but feeling like it is
• Never feeling "enough" no matter what you achieve
• Secret belief that you're irreparably damaged

With Authority/Confrontation:

• Terrified of bosses, teachers, or anyone in authority
• Panic when someone asks "can we talk?"
• Assuming you're in trouble any time you draw attention to yourself
• Can't advocate for yourself even when you're clearly right
• Fawning/people-pleasing to avoid conflict
• Or: immediately combative/defensive before anyone attacks

About Your Past:

• "My childhood was fine" (but then describing clearly not-fine things)
• Minimizing abuse: "At least they didn't hit me"
• "It wasn't that bad" (while describing trauma)
• Feeling guilty for being angry at people who hurt you
• In fact, feeling guilty for feeling anything
• Making excuses for your abusers
• Only realizing it was abuse years/decades later

I tried to make my life bearable for decades, starting way before I found out that my condition had a name. See if any of my lessons will save your time and energy.