back to the front

TLDR:

Alcohol → neurofeedback → IFS

These are the elements of my coping/healing that allowed me to still be here today and have a degree of optimism.

Main thing I learned:

House divided cannot stand. As long as I yell at myself, treat myself as a P.O.S., I am at war. Whichever side prevails, I am the loser. Before I can hug myself as a loving parent, I start with looking at myself from the outside. I notice both the part that does what I don't like and the part that does the not-liking. I talk to them. I try to understand their reasons. They both want me to hurt as little as possible. Both are doing the best they can. I bow before their determination.

Activities

• Changes
  • Changing jobs
    In most cases it was a good thing, because my bosses were unkind. Not evil, just too worried about themselves. After holding 15 jobs, I can remember only one change that I wish I did not make.
  • Changing countries
    In the long run, everything is good. I learned a lot. I survived a lot. I know that I am as strong as nail made of adamntium. I would not have survived for long in my original environment, I was already losing plot by the time I left.
    
    I could not lose either way. On one hand, today I think that "bloom where you are planted" is wiser than I had always thought - but it makes sense for well-connected people, to whom I don't belong. "Ubi bene ibi patria" makes sense for the rich and/or brilliant. I am neither. Traumatized people don't feel like they belong anywhere.
• Drawing and painting
  Simlar to meditation: if you like doing this, you will lose yourself in it and stop hearing the critic. And you will get better at art. Compare to alcohol: you will stop hearing the critic, but you will get better at nothing.
• Hiking
• Making music
  Simlar to meditation: if you like doing this, you will lose yourself in it and stop hearing the critic. And you will get better at music. Compare to alcohol: you will stop hearing the critic, but you will get better at nothing.
• Meditation
  I feel that unlike substances below that mask the symptoms, meditation produces long-term changes
• Writing
  Simlar to meditation: if you like doing this, you will lose yourself in it and stop hearing the critic. And you will get better at writing. Compare to alcohol: you will stop hearing the critic, but you will get better at nothing.

A note on art, music, writing. It does not matter what it is. The key is to be able to do it for hours without noticing the passage of time - that's how you know it's yours. Fishing, carpentry, driving, scuba diving - doesn't matter. Anything you can dissolve in in a healthy way.

External substances

• 5-HTP
  Meh.
• Alcohol
  My best friend and savior from 1993 to 2025. Very effective against symptoms, but prohibitively expensive for the body, the mind, and the world around.
  
  Remember not to punish yourself for drinking: you choose the best from the options that you are currently aware of. You are probably still alive because you drink. As you begin to hear yourself, to forgive and hug yourself, the cruelty of the voice that you are trying to shut down with alcohol will start fading, and so the need for alcohol.
  
  As the first successful step in my intake reduction, I started reporting to my kids how much I drank last week. My thinking behind this measure was "I don't want my kids to have a drinking father, and I cannot lie to them. Therefore I will have to actually reduce my intake." I started this in October 2021, red column.
  
  
  
  I was pretty proud of myself for a few months, but as things started to creep back to "normal", I decided: Yes, I drink. No, I will not hate myself for it. I will drink as little as I can without shaming or guilting myself. And when I do drink, I will enjoy every drop of it.
  
  A reasonable, mature agreement. The problem with alcohol is that the person who signs an agreement is not the same person who has alcohol in their system. You can see it in the data that the contract did not hold for long. On the bright side, my maximum was never at the same mark as before.
  
  The good part is that I did not hate myself for returning to my figurative vomit. I strongly believe that this refusal to hate was induced by neurofeedback.
  
  Eventually I stopped drinking, - no, I stopped needing to drink, - after a conversation with my protector (thank you, IFS!) who could not trust that I would be able to be responsible for myself while I kept drinking. It was not the first conversation, it did not magically flip a switch. There was a long process behind this short statement. Everything I had done, everything I had experienced contributed to this outcome. This is not an invitation to a cargo cult.
• CBD oil
  Meh.
• GABA
  Excellent for momentary relief of anxiety. It is produced in our bodies and slows down our nervous system. Alcohol makes GABA receptors more receptive to GABA. People with insufficient production of GABA are very happy when they discover alcohol. Too much alcohol too often disrupts GABA systems in our bodies. One cannot be calmed naturally any more. Welcome to the vicious circle.
• L-theanine
  I liked it, but only used one bottle.
• L-tyrosine
  Meh.
• Magnesium
  I like it and use it regularly. It's good for the coffee drinker's heart. It is indeed calming. If you overdo it, it becomes a laxative.
• Mushrooms, magic
  I liked how it made me feel, period. I mean, I could feel outside of my regular 1x1 meter holding cell. I felt for the first time that invitations to everyone included me. I felt like I was part of the world, like I was a good person. I did not like that this feeling was induced artificially. I did not like that it was temporary. I could not trust it. It was another temporary relief, after which is only hurts more to come crashing back.
• Mushrooms, regular
  Supposed to help with sleep, anxiety, mood, energy. I am tempted to say that it works.
• St. John's wort
  Takes long time to start making a difference - needs to be taken regularly for a while before its work becomes noticeable. Does not mix with alcohol, so I had to stop early. Another reason I had to stop is that my eyes became very light-sensitive, it was uncomfortable.
• Vitamin D
  It improves depressive symptoms. I used to take 5 grams daily for months, and blood tests showed no excess. Apparently, I need a lot of it, whether I like it or not.
• Weed
  Made me paranoid instead of relaxed. I hated to know that my judgment was not mine; that decisions made under this influence were not mine. I felt the same about alcohol, but the benefits outweighed this argument.